Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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