1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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