Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
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he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer