Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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