proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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