he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
