He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
