just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
