fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
