I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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