I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
