My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
