No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
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