I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
