I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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