just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
