I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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