i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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