I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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