I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
