you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
