I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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