I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
