drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
