I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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