I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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