we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think a kid would responsible me up
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
