oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
