I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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