after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
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I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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