Just fell off a train. Bad.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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