Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
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right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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