you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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