that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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