when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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