Banned from zoo.
Again?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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