Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
