We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
