Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
