everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.