Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
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As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
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They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.