He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?