You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread