My hand turned me down
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
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i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Bring me that man meat
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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