im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
