he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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