Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
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He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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