We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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