i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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