life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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