how can u be prego again
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
