I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i already hear my dad disowning me
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
