What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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