Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
