My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
