I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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