Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
