i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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