i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
