I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
