Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
