After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
