eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He felt like a one man threesome
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
