i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I'm really busy with my period
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