Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Sext me about skeletons
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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