Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
